Forever Expanding Awareness In Liberation

The following are some notes I made in August of 1996.
I was in Switzerland at the time. Living in the Alps at an ashram where I initially went to attend a meditation retreat. I stayed there for another 3 or 4 months after the retreat, and had a deeply moving and beautiful experience. In hindsight I feel like that time there was one of the most equisit highlights of my life. I was 20 years of age at the time.
When I finally walked away from that place the snow was just starting to coat the higher mountain peaks like icing sugar — with a warm coat on, boarding my train to Burn, I was a very different man from when I arrived by train during the warmth of last weeks of summer mountain sun.

I have removed the name of the guy running the meditation retreat as I feel it’s unimportant.
I have also added in a few comments, which I have put in [ ] brackets. Beyond that I’ve made no other edits (except the correction of typograhpical errors and spelling mistakes).

This is actually the first time I have read over these notes since I wrote them. That was nine years ago. They have been sitting here on my computer all that time (well, various computer actually,,, I’m not currently using a 9 year old computer !!)
I find it was a rather interesting and beautiful experience to read these things — things that I wrote in what seems like another lifetime.
Perhaps they will be of some value to you, and those few folk that read what I publish to this website.

Enjoy.

With love and blessings,

FEAL

Friday 9th August 1996

The last 3 days were very revealing.
Whenever I sat for meditation I had this cloud of energy in my head that was very present and uncomfortable. It is interesting just how subtle the mind could be at focusing on this even though I was so sure that I was not putting my attention into it.

The teacher suggested we try an exercise. Namely, focusing on what it would mean if I was “Not waiting”
Eventually I very seriously focused on NOT WAITING and the full implications of that.
The result was a very quick progression through some number of experiences and relative realisations to the point where I was pure consciousness flowing through all things.
At the same time there was a sense of absolute nothingness.

“I” did not exist in that state. There was no time. Nothing to expect or wait for.
No space.
No history.
Nothing to change.

I could see that all things come out of this “pool”.
That all life, in all dimensions, all thought forms, everything comes out of this pool of pure potentiality.
That this was simultaneously the source of all things and that it is all things.

From here I got the sense that none of this physical world and all its intricacies actually exist.
Afterwards I was left with the fundamental doubt that anything actually exists. I can’t really explain this.

I discovered that enlightenment must be more than a personal issue.
Because as long as there is some investment or interest in ones own person then it can’t truly be enlightenment.
One is not free totally, and not moving.
One would come to a cosmic halt so to speak.

Yet from this state I wondered what actually motivates activity, change, evolution etc. If a Human Being is in this state of consciousness all the time then what would move them to do anything, to act?

The Teacher explained the next day that getting to this state was only half the picture — the personal aspect of enlightenment. That the second half was the impersonal. This I had seen the day before. He said that in this state one is no longer focused on one self. Hence they suddenly take total interest in life itself and everything in it — including all other people.
Ones actions are driven by compassion — to help others out of their suffering.

In the next meditation I went back into this state of pure life force or consciousness.
Yet it went a step further. I sensed that humans have this current of pure consciousness flowing through them yet we qualify it into something other than what it is. We colour it in some way.
Our ego and its desire to be separate and important qualifies this flow of energy into something “unique”. This energy then gets locked up so to speak. It is no longer flowing. It becomes bound to that which has qualified it.

From this I sensed that all these beliefs and thought forms in and of them selves don’t actually exist. They are just pure consciousness that has been qualified with our self centred desires.

So I came to realise that once one has returned to this state of pure consciousness you become the expression of this consciousness in its pure form and potential — unaltered by the human condition.

So what then drives me to act, to move etc. is this flow of consciousness in action. I then wondered what would be the reason for it to act through me. One thought, outside of meditation, was that this pool of pure potentiality or consciousness would have a natural drive to unleash those parts of itself that are bound in the human condition. I don’t mean this in a personality or human context. It is quite scientific. Just natural laws of energy playing out.

This pool of energy is naturally drawn to retrieving those parts of itself that have become bound and locked out of its natural flow. Hence it naturally moves to retrieve all that consciousness that is bound into the human condition. So if a Being is totally realised and hence is an expression, in human form, of this pure consciousness then that flow of consciousness through him will move him in ways that will help unbind “itself”. So one would naturally be driven to help others to be free — so that pure consciousness which has been qualified in limitation will be able to flow.

Sunday 11th August 1996

It is really quite profound how easily one can corrupt profound realisation — particularly with pride. Even for that reason alone it is necessary that I keep in contact with This Teacher and his teaching. It will serve as a wonderful reflection in which I can at all times see myself in Truth as opposed to the disillusions that the mind so often creates in very subtle ways.

I feel a great deal of love and gratitude towards Andrew and his Being.

The retreat is now over

All in all this has been a thoroughly positive event. I have come to realise many things. I suspect that the enlightenment I have always been looking for was in my hands the whole time yet because I had no firm foundation of spiritual confirmation outside of myself I have listened all too often to the mind and its constant doubting and wavering.

To live in an enlightened state one must be willing to drop all notions about what it means. One must be willing to live only in the present moment. There must be total trust in the perfection of all that is so that one can let go of all concern for the future and for oneself. One must be willing to forget the egoic self totally.

So long as one hangs on to any aspect of the personal, egoic self then there will always be a conflict within.

Thursday 15th August 1996

For a few days now I have been atthis Ashram. The human part of me is doubting and wavering. I sense a great resistance to totally letting go. On the whole I can see that total self effacement is my only choice yet at times I resist such a death. Aspects of my human personality want to hold on to something. Even if it is just an idea — an idea about enlightenment.

I am told that the key is to totally forget the mind, the feelings, the past, all ideas, etc. Then one is enlightened. Yet I am expecting some kind of profound revelation that will make this automatic. I don’t feel it should be a struggle. One shouldn’t even have to struggle against the feeling etc. Some natural shift in ones state of Being should bring about the appropriate mental and emotional response to let go to the point where one is “enlightened“.

I also have ideas about what it means to be enlightened. I feel that one should enter into a state of profound awareness — cosmic consciousness. In this way one is truly 100% aware, not just of that which is taking place in the way of physical and subtle physical phenomena, but encompassing also the entire spectrum of ones multi dimensional self.

Maybe I am thinking down the wrong track here but I feel that there is something more. A truly enlightened Being should have no division, no separation, in his awareness, in his field of consciousness. One should be aware of things beyond the human experience right to the point where Self merges into the pool of pure potentiality — God, One, Infinity.

There is an impulse in me to somehow help relieve this world situation I find my self within [to help people be free of suffering - JE 2005]. This may be an egoic desire. For now I can only trust that the source of this idea is not just the ego.

With that idea in mind then I feel one has to be truly 100% aware, to carry out such a task. To understand the depth of each persons dichotomy my awareness will need to go beyond just the human physical, mental, emotional experience.

Again as I write, it comes to me that total enlightenment is more than just liberation from the human predicament. It is a profound shift whereby ones awareness expands out further and further until it eventually encompasses ones entire field of consciousness. Possibly then it would continue to expand by merging into that pool of pure consciousness I witnessed [a few days earlier - JE 2005]. Eventually there would be no difference between ones field of own awareness and the totality of ALL THAT IS.

From this standpoint one wouldtruly be in the position to bring about profound change — revolutionary change. Each action would be the all perfecting expression of God’s Will. There would be no separation between any aspect of oneself and that Great pool of consciousness that is all things. This is total enlightenment. At least that is what I feel. This, of course would be totally impersonal and would mean total death of the human person or sense of self. Possibly even physical death, in a non-terminal way.

I say that it could meaneven physical death because the very structure of the physical body would have to transmute into something much Lighter, something quite different, in order to hold the presence of such profound awareness in the physical world. Hence every cell would undergo a death in a transformational way.

I don’t know where these thoughts come from. I don’t know if these ideas are just fantastical dreams of the ego or what. Yet I somehow sense that as I write this all down it is coming from somewhere much deeper than the mind, and hence beyond the ego. It could be that I am on the verge of a true revolution in human awareness. I really don’t know, and I can only go with that unknown until I find the Truth on an ultimate level.

——————-

I have been reading some of [The Teacher's] magazines. Interesting articles about aspects of enlightenment. I find no mention to what I have described above. I have noticed something quite strange.

For me [The Teacher] was the first person who seemed to describe enlightenment in a way that rang true. Since seeing him and having some deep realisations regarding the nature of all things I am again feeling that I sense something more which is not described in anything I have read or heard.

Two things could be taking place. Either the ego/human self is creating excuses so as to not letting go right here and now — a reason for why what I have come to realise so far is not enough and hence I must continue to look and discover; or, something quite new, something quite revolutionary is surging through my awareness. Something bigger than most of humanity has generally considered possible, something with the potential to totally transform this planet from the human predicament.

From one level I look at these statements and question the motivation behind them. It could from one point of view be my ego expanding itself out by vast proportions to feel special, superior, and all that madness; it could be my egoic self avoiding true liberation right now (the type of liberation [The Teacher] is talking about); or, it could be something beyond my comprehension. I really don’t know. I don’t know whether that is a good or bad thing. It just is for now.

———-
I promise to myself to remember that no matter what is going on mentally or emotionally I can always return to the stillness within. This I must remember because when depression etc come up it is so easy to be consumed by it.

From here and now I understand and know that everything in this life unfolds perfectly. That I will, by the grace of God, of all that is, realise the true nature of that which I AM. I needn’t struggle. I needn’t feel that there is something more I must do or discover.

All I must do is surrender to the perfection in all things. Surrender to the expression of God in me, my life, and my world. I needn’t get concerned about what I am to do now or in the future. All I must do is stay present in this moment, free from attachments to the past and devoid of all concern for the future.

, from where you are right now you know these things to be true. You know that everything is perfect and that there is no intrinsic value in the human self and its petty concerns for its own wellbeing and perpetuation. You know that confusion, doubt, and depression come up when the ego is resisting its own death. Therefore, stand strong even in the times when everything seems terrible from a personal perspective. GOD I AM.

——————

Friday 16th August 1996

From my current position I sense that any struggle, even if it be toward enlightenment, only creates separation and confusion. It is only the mind and the ego that has any desire, any sense that something specific must be done, achieved etc. It is only the ego and mind that doesn’t trust the fact that all things are ONE and that this ONE is GOD or that infinite pool of PURE CONSCIOUNESS from which all things extend, manifest and return.

During meditation I have experienced this pool of PURE CONSCIOUSNESS (as I put it). I experienced myself on every level being a part of it and simultaneously all of it. I witnessed that it is the current running through all things, that it is all things and non-things. I came to realise that humans have the ability to qualify this current of pure consciousness — this is our free will, so to speak. Exactly how this ability to qualify it and potentially bind it into the human experience works I don’t yet understand, but I realised that it takes place.

I came to realise that what moves someone free of all ego and personal desire to move, to be active, is this pure consciousness acting through them. I questioned why this pure consciousness would have any motive to be active and saw that when a being in the physical world is free of ego and hence is surrendered to being an expression of pure consciousness it is natural for the pool to bring back that aspect of itself which has been bound into the human experience due to ignorance etc.

All these things and more I have seen and felt in mediation yet still the human aspect of self, the egoic aspect, manages to get a grip on my awareness and [at times] throw me into a state of confusion.

Right now I am in a state of contentment and clarity. This is why I write these things down so that if the ego and mind etc. get the better of me again then I at least have some personal notes from the other side, so to speak.

————————

Really there is nothing to do, nothing to think about, nothing to plan, nothing to be concerned about. It is only the mind and ego in their separation that need to do all these things. I am not the mind, I am not the feelings. I am not the desire to achievesomething, to be something special. I AM beyond these things. I AM that which has no quality or quantity. I AM that which is ONE, free of duality and separation. I AM that POOL of PURE CONSCIOUSNESS which I KNOW from my own EXPERIENCE to BE TRUE.

I AM not the doubt, confusion, and depression which sometimes enters my human experience. When these things take place I AM not gone, I AM no different. I AM still the pool of PURE CONSCIOUSNESS – CONTENT, STILL, and PERFECT.