Forever Expanding Awareness In Liberation

The apparent good health or ill health that anyone with their eyes open is able to witness in most of the modernised world today is the result of choice and free will.

I get the distinct impression—and you are welcome to correct me if you think me wrong—that the majority of people within the cultural society I live within have little or no idea that their day-to-day choices are bringing about much—if not all—of the ill health and degeneration that appears to be the result of aging. I get the impression that the majority of people consciously or subconsciously believe that the sicknesses they experience are something they simply fall victim to as a matter of course. It’s just a “fact of life” that so many people now mindlessly use and rely on drugs for their health—often starting from early childhood, even from birth in the case of the toxic vaccines most babies are blasted with in the first days and months of their life.

Are we so bloody stupid? So mindless? So fool hardy as to not realise what is going on?

No. Not really.

Just deeply ignorant and sound asleep.

It seems the humanity I am familiar with has got it all back-to-front. So many people so readily question themselves and that which arises from their interiority—often questioning (and doubting) it to the point where their inner know and guidance dies completely—and yet these same people so naturally assume that the things arising in their exteriority (the world at large) are “True”, “factual” and legitimate with little or any questioning.

Really—for anyone on the Path of Power—this insane habit must be diligently reversed. It is far more conducive to ones empowerment to assume that what comes from deep within is accurate and “real” for you, and to assume NOTHING about what is arising in your outer world—nothing except perhaps the assumption that whatever presents itself must be questioned rather than taken at face value. What do I mean by this?

• “Nearly everyone uses cell phones or is happy to” — therefore they must be okay for me and have no significantly detrimental effect on the user.
• “Millions of people all over the world drink chlorinated and fluoridated tap water. We’ve been doing it for years” — therefore it must be okay and will cause me no significant harm.
• “Microwave oceans are commonplace since the 1980’s when they hit the American market. Most people use them” — They must be perfectly okay and the food cooked in them must be just a hot version of the cold food that went in their.
• “Most people appear to get sick once or more times a year” — This is perfectly normal, the way life is, and quite natural for me too
• “The world around me, as seen through my five senses, seems so solid and tangible. Most people see it as the basis of what is real” — Therefore I must be looking at the true nature of the world
• “Electromagnetic fields are everywhere these days. The governments and related organisations say they’re okay” — They must be okay
• “Most children watch Television and kid’s videos these days, and it’s the best way I know of keeping them quiet for a few hours at a time” — It must be of no harm or significance to them
• “Nearly every item of food in the supermarket is made from chemically grown, refined, processed, chemically stabilised, chemically preserved (etc) ingredients. Most people seem to eat it, except for the health freaks” — There’s nothing harmful about such food, it’s the best thing for me to eat so long as I don’t eat just the real junky stuff all the time.
• “Mass vaccination programs are advertised every year on the TV and media. Most people seem to get them and they’re all okay” — It must be quite okay for me to

… and the list goes on. We could create a list here that would fill an entire encyclopaedia set or more. Why is that?

Well, because of what I just mentioned: The ego has got us all operating in an in-side-out way. We go about things all back-to-front. We habitually question and doubt that the messages and promptings we get from spirit inwardly are valid, and eventually assume they’re invalid—so habitually that most people beyond early childhood don’t even know they get such messages every moment of the day and night—and we mindlessly accept 99% of what is presented to us by the external world as “real” and “okay”. The few things that I do perhaps stop to question, like “whether my country should be bombing another country in the Middle East because my President says they have some sort of link to a recent terrorist attack is right or wrong”, keep most us feeling like we’ve really got our finger on the pulse and “doing my bit to keep reality in check”. Yet even in this example… I’ve assumed there was a terrorist attack, I’ve assumed my country was an “innocent victim” in this, I’ve assumed that my government played no part in this so-called attack, I’ve assumed that what I’ve seen on TV and in the media about it is factual and accurate, I’ve assumed that my beloved Government is acting in the best interests of the people it is meant to be serving; I’ve assumed it even is serving those people; I’ve assumed that the bombing these innocent people in Iraq is fair and just retribution for what some unnamed, unidentified, unconfirmed “terrorist” did to my country”… yuk. Here’s another one of those lists that could go on forever.

Yet millions upon millions of people in America readily made all these assumptions without giving the real issue at hand one moment of their sleepy attention. The result is massive destruction of live. The result is vast amounts of the nation’s hard earned money (stolen by the government in the form of taxes) being spent on destruction rather than more important things like health and internal social restructuring. The result is more mass hypnosis and millions of people blinding walking toward yet another proverbial cliff top. Lemmings, by the way (based on what I’ve read about them), do not mindlessly jump of cliffs as a form of population control. They’re not that stupid. It’s an contemporary myth. Humans, however, quite readily follow each other over proverbial cliffs. We’ve projected this insanity onto some innocent creature that was just happily going about it’s business in the world.

I must ask you to understand that there is nothing “wrong” with this back-to-front way of living. So long as you, or I, or anyone is choosing to exist this way then it is a valid part of the grand dance of life. Nor is it “right” and “better” to cease this madness and start living another way. It’s not about right or wrong, and if you’ve already started feeling like it is then I invite and encourage you take a good look at how the ego has just thrown you into separation and some kind of guilt trip. Rather it is about “I make a choice. What is the outcome of that choice conducive toward?”

It’s as simply as that.
I suspect you will find that the majority of the people in this world are—for the most part and in ways that are most significant—consistently and almost constantly making choices that have life-taking, power-reducing, life-destroying consequences. The global and collective effect of this is what? An hour or two of unbiased, open minded research in the library or on the internet will quickly show you that. We have, essentially, destroyed perhaps more than half of the life on this planet. Oh, I know it doesn’t look that way—”you and I are quite okay, right?”—but start looking at the figures and statistics. In the last couple of thousands years (particularly the last couple of hundred) how much of the planet’s surface have we cleared of its natural flora and fauna? What percentage of species of animal and creature have we wiped out or nearly wiped out? What percentage of the world’s commercially valued fish has we whipped out? What percentage of the ocean have we explored and studied (about 3%) and yet how much of that ocean now contains our poisons, hormones, drugs, and chemicals, and what effect has that had on life in the ocean? How much of the human cultural heritage in the world have we (primarily Anglo Saxon white man) systematically destroyed and wiped off the face of the Earth? How many days have we had in the last few thousands years where NO wars were being fought anywhere in the world (close to zero)? Here I go with another one of these lists !! I am sure you are starting to get the idea, so I shall say no more.

The picture I’ve just painted might sound rather grim.

It is.

From a relative human perspective, based on what we as humans claim to value and stand for, it’s about as grim as it could get. I’m just telling it like it is. If that seems ghastly then perhaps it’s time to ask yourself why you’d not already noticed just how grim it is?

Knowing how prone the ego is to putting things into a right-wrong sort of perspective, I shall again remind you that this is not about that madness. It is simply about choice and consequence. I’m aware that I’ve unknowingly chosen to diverge off the topic of “The Health Factor” somewhat. The consequence is neither “good” nor “bad”. It is simply that I’ve just spent quite a bit of your time and mine time exploring elements of the collective human story at a planetary level, and ceased talking about health. I now choose to get back to the topic at hand.

As mentioned already, most of the ill health and disease that you see in the world around you is the result of choice. Day-to-day, here in the world, normal kind of human choice. If we were to get metaphysical with this I could accurately say that ALL of it is the result of choice on some level, but for now I am simply referring to basic human choices here in the basic physical world.

The ego might be quite offended by what I’ve just suggested. It might try to coerce you into relating to this in a back-to-front way again. If we put that predictable reaction aside, however, I find—and you might also find—the the real implications of what I’ve stated here are in fact extraordinary and potentially really empowering. If the ill health I experience is the consequence of my day-to-day choices then that means I’m no longer a poor victim. That means that there is something very real and very tangible that I can personally do which will change my circumstances into something I consider to be “better”—into something that is more conducive to me living a strong, inspired, dynamic, and power-filled life. “Fan-bloody-tastic mate, that makes my day”

It is not my intention with this article to start spelling out just what these habitual choices and assumptions are, and what to change them to. That, my friend, is you job. Elsewhere, however, I’m sure to explore this with you.

With love… and my regards for your perfect health,

FEAL

The following is a dialogue I had via an internet chat tool with a dear friend, in early 1999. Gosh that seems like a long time ago now. In reading over this material, however, I get the impression that it is just as applicable — and potentially useful — now as it was then.

I have edited it a little in order to make it clearer and easier to read. For the most part, however, it is a simple copy and paste of what I recorded 7 years ago.
My friend was using the alias name In Silence

I post it here so that you too might benefit from it in some way.

With love,

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ICQ Chat Save file
Started on Sat Feb 06 23:44:14 1999
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In Silence I was thinking of asking you about the meditation and yoga that can be beneficial for me at this particular time…

Well… if you are sincere enough then all meditation is beneficial…. as with yoga too…

In Silence Understood.

Though the thing to remember is that ultimately this thing we so freely call “meditation” is actually a state of being — our most natural state of being.
It is not something that you just sit down and “DO” for so much time a day or whatever…
The “doing” — using one of the many thousands of techniques out there — is about letting go to the point that you might just — if you have truly fortunate — stumble acrossyour own non-existence and slip away into a state of Meditation or Yoga (Union)…

So what would you like from me… some info on techniques… something else??

In Silence I am just so amazed of what you told me.. I really have nothing to say!
But a few techniques would be good to know.

“Amazed”… gosh… what I shared just spilt out onto the keyboard from the top of my mind somewhere… nice that you find it so “amazing”…
So the first technique… this is an old Tantric meditation technique… although I imagine it’s been taught through various spiritual paths.

First sit and be still…
Start to observe you breathing… without changing it for now
Simply follow the breathe into your body, down to your solar plexus or that general region…
Observe it there and then it will turn around and leave again…
This is something to observe and be simply be aware of…
It is very subtle…
At first (and maybe for some time) you will actually only be observing your BREATHING action, so to speak — the actual physiology / movement of the breathing process
But the breath itself is something quite different…
Something so subtle…
So sweet to see and discover…
So subtle — remember that…
The grosser activity or physiology of breathing is not the breath itself… 

Do you follow…

So do this for some time…
Be determined to sit each day… for some time at least…
The exact length of time is something that should come naturally…
Don’t force yourself… yet do not be too complacent about it…
The mind has so much stuff going on…
So many habits…
That you may find you sit for just 1 minute and then already this mind of yours will start to try and convince you that “this is enough”…
“This is all that feels ‘Natural’ and said do not do it for more than what feel natural”

So this is just the habit of the mind…
The human ego-mind is so mad and crazy… don’t listen to it during this time…

The naturality in it all will come from some where deeper within you…
Some where in the vicinity of the heart… or maybe the belly also
This is where you feel how long to sit and when to sit…
The mind will try to ignore everything that you feel here…
So ignore it

Because you might be so conditioned to listening to the mind,
And not listening to your feelings in the heart and solar plexus,
You might initially, for some days or weeks, just set a determined intent on when and for how long you will sit each day.
You will use your mental determination to do this.
But later… not that much later… you will no longer have to use the mind to play this game.
You will just go with what feels right.
Unless of course you come up against a wall of emotion or inner resistance
Which is just the ego dancing around,
Then you might have to return to using mental determination for a while.
One the wall is dissolved,
You can again get the mind out of it,
And just go with what feels right.
Be aware that generally more and more sitting will “feel” right.
So if you observe that what “feels right” is to sit hardly any time at all,
Then again you might be getting fooled by the ego.

In Silence So you practice awareness. Is this the point with this?

You are not practising anything…
Well, at first it will seem that way — that you are practicing something…
It might help to view it in that way.
Yet there is a point where you are just awareness and you will be the awareness of the breath doing this one very simple thing…
Just coming into you abdomen… just that…
Even forget about the turning of the breath to go out — for now — just coming in and maybe going out…

Then after some time this shall be something that you are aware of through different times of the day…
Then maybe a lot of the day…
If you can be this aware of this all day then this is something that you might start to be aware of in your sleep too…
This is something else to discuss some other time… so, do you follow…?

In Silence Yes! it was very interesting to hear! I am so anxious to start with this as I believe I have longed for it a very long time… 

Certainly… this is part of your homecoming…
You have longed for this for all of eternity…
Something that has always been there calling you toward it…

In Silence Do you want to hear a very interesting thing I read yesterday?
Certainly….

In SilenceIt was about Kundalini…

A guy named Goel was a disciple of Sai Baba and at first he didn’t know that sai baba were communicating with him…wanting him to start being aware…
So, this guy , Goel, told about his experiences with the Kundalini-energy (which I understand is the awareness of the whole universe…well never mind..I’m not a pro on this LOL)
Well, he told in the book that the Kundalini (or awareness of God ) is fighting against the sensesand the ego… It is breaking asunder the nerves that have been built even since childhood.

So the nerves are your ego… That was very interesting and logical I thought… What do you know or thing about this?

So… the nerves are the sum total of all the subtle and grosshabit patterns and responses — well actually reactions — to the world around you… so yes… in a sense much of the personality is sort of just the biochemistry and cellular makeup of this nerve tissue… and Awareness is something that will start to alter the nervous composition of you mind/body…

In Silence Yes, and I’ve been taught that the nerves are building up when you are a child and therefore habits are created hard to break…

They started some time just after you were conceived in the womb…
You see this is something that makes the human a unique creature on this planet… it has the option to go beyond the nerve reaction to the world and to pull in a higher consciousness or Awareness… this is something quite unique…

In Silence But in order to do this must you not first get rid of your old habitual patterns?

There is really nothing to get rid of… just this belief that these habits and personal stuff and issues are Real… they have no substance… just energy and that energy is renewed every moment… by what… by your own state of consciousness or awareness…
Okay… Although it might initially feel to your ego-mind-self that you are getting rid of something.
Really it is just misidentification you are “Getting rid of”
Dissolving or release really.

In Silence Yes ok I see, but to become aware of what the ego really is and that it is nothing!

Meditation is about seeing things for how they really are… and the greatest or funniest thing you will see is that there was never anything to achieve or do or fix or make healthy or get rid of… such a joke… so frustrating for those that seem to not know…

In Silence Yes it is a pain in the ass!

In Silence Hmmm so it is a good idea become aware right now!

All I have ever said is “JUST TO BE AWARE… this is it… this is the journey of GOD, of Creation, of ALL-THAT-IS”… what ever you call it…

In Silence Do you not have emotions anymore…??

In general, no, I do not have emotions…
Rather I am aware of emotions… and how wonderful they are.
I am nothing… aware of everything… sometimes… yet subtlety this is always there…

In Silence But how is that different… being aware of your emotions OR be able to control them??

Nothing to control… control is the ego-mind asserting it self — against itself
Madness… control is suppression…
Just to be aware… That is not a matter of “control”

In Silence But if you then are aware of your emotions… do they really start to even occur to you?

That all depends… they do not occur TO me and the are NOT me… nor do they Effect me… they are just something that I am aware of…
Of course there are times when I get caught up in the emotions.
Only when I identify with them though.
And that’s quite okay…
I go on a ride — quite a hairy and painful one at times — and then the ocean calms down and there I AM…
Peacefully aware again. Well, not really “again” as the awareness is always there,
It just seems like “again” because for a while I lost my sense of it
Because my attention was totally fixated on something else…
On these “emotions” we have talked about.
Enjoy the ride.

In Silence I’ll do this for sure…!

This is enough for now… too much to work on for you…
Just watch the breath and then become aware of it…
Just this small part of the breath…
The breathing action first… certainly… then the actual breath itself….
Then we shall discuss some more…
This practice may not suit you as a means to go all the way there… to “nirvana” or “home”… this may just take you one step…
Then something else…
This is something that you shall know/feel…
Then I tell you some more or you hear some more from some where else… whatever… it will all happen perfectly

In Silence ok that sound great!

Time to go… love to you Brother…

How long it takes,
For each to let it go,
How long it takes,
For each to see we know.

One,
In its many expressions,
Seemly held seperate by fear.
One through love,
Alowing the other to get near.

The experience of seperaton,
For ultimate union,
The experience of fear,
For Ultimate love.
The experience of something out there,
To know that which is deep in here.

Together we have come,
For love, and light, and fun,
Together we rise, eat, and sleep,
In harmony with the sun,
Together we are here,
Strangers merged as one.

Hold God’s hand,
In every stranger,
Feed God’s hunger,
In every meal,
Feel God’s love
In all you see,
Know that you are It,
That you and I are Free.

Yet another poem. Yes… Whilst looking for some old notes on my computer I found a whole lot of things I wrote on a little Psion handheld computer (the orginal and earliest PDA’s) whilst travelling about 9 years ago. These things are just collecting virtual dust here so I figure it’s best to make the available for interested people to read and possibly enjoy.

Blessings,
J

One day

As God,
I stand.
Heaven,
On Earth,
My beauty all around me.

As a tree,
Strong,
Tall,
Steady,
My feet firmly rooted in ground.

A seed,
Of Love,
I gave,
To all my children,
To plant in their souls and grow.

That one day,
Omega,
They might climb the great vine,
High up into the heavens within,
And sit, again,
With I.

Here is another poem I wrote whilst travelling in 1996.
Enjoy.

I sit, silently aware

In my En-lightenment,
I sit, silent,
Silenly observing
the waves of reality
perpetually permeating my
Being.
I await thee, dear God,
To awaken the full presence
of all that you are,
Throughout that which I am.

A short poem I wrote in 1996

The Original Sin

Passion becomes me
As I embrace thy breast in my gaze.
Love? destroys me,
As I stumble in its haze.

My desire to become torments me,
My adament belief in self, the cause of all my pains,
Yet, even in the light of such truths,
I hold tight to the darkness within,
This, the original sin

The following are some notes I made in August of 1996.
I was in Switzerland at the time. Living in the Alps at an ashram where I initially went to attend a meditation retreat. I stayed there for another 3 or 4 months after the retreat, and had a deeply moving and beautiful experience. In hindsight I feel like that time there was one of the most equisit highlights of my life. I was 20 years of age at the time.
When I finally walked away from that place the snow was just starting to coat the higher mountain peaks like icing sugar — with a warm coat on, boarding my train to Burn, I was a very different man from when I arrived by train during the warmth of last weeks of summer mountain sun.

I have removed the name of the guy running the meditation retreat as I feel it’s unimportant.
I have also added in a few comments, which I have put in [ ] brackets. Beyond that I’ve made no other edits (except the correction of typograhpical errors and spelling mistakes).

This is actually the first time I have read over these notes since I wrote them. That was nine years ago. They have been sitting here on my computer all that time (well, various computer actually,,, I’m not currently using a 9 year old computer !!)
I find it was a rather interesting and beautiful experience to read these things — things that I wrote in what seems like another lifetime.
Perhaps they will be of some value to you, and those few folk that read what I publish to this website.

Enjoy.

With love and blessings,

FEAL

Friday 9th August 1996

The last 3 days were very revealing.
Whenever I sat for meditation I had this cloud of energy in my head that was very present and uncomfortable. It is interesting just how subtle the mind could be at focusing on this even though I was so sure that I was not putting my attention into it.

The teacher suggested we try an exercise. Namely, focusing on what it would mean if I was “Not waiting”
Eventually I very seriously focused on NOT WAITING and the full implications of that.
The result was a very quick progression through some number of experiences and relative realisations to the point where I was pure consciousness flowing through all things.
At the same time there was a sense of absolute nothingness.

“I” did not exist in that state. There was no time. Nothing to expect or wait for.
No space.
No history.
Nothing to change.

I could see that all things come out of this “pool”.
That all life, in all dimensions, all thought forms, everything comes out of this pool of pure potentiality.
That this was simultaneously the source of all things and that it is all things.

From here I got the sense that none of this physical world and all its intricacies actually exist.
Afterwards I was left with the fundamental doubt that anything actually exists. I can’t really explain this.

I discovered that enlightenment must be more than a personal issue.
Because as long as there is some investment or interest in ones own person then it can’t truly be enlightenment.
One is not free totally, and not moving.
One would come to a cosmic halt so to speak.

Yet from this state I wondered what actually motivates activity, change, evolution etc. If a Human Being is in this state of consciousness all the time then what would move them to do anything, to act?

The Teacher explained the next day that getting to this state was only half the picture — the personal aspect of enlightenment. That the second half was the impersonal. This I had seen the day before. He said that in this state one is no longer focused on one self. Hence they suddenly take total interest in life itself and everything in it — including all other people.
Ones actions are driven by compassion — to help others out of their suffering.

In the next meditation I went back into this state of pure life force or consciousness.
Yet it went a step further. I sensed that humans have this current of pure consciousness flowing through them yet we qualify it into something other than what it is. We colour it in some way.
Our ego and its desire to be separate and important qualifies this flow of energy into something “unique”. This energy then gets locked up so to speak. It is no longer flowing. It becomes bound to that which has qualified it.

From this I sensed that all these beliefs and thought forms in and of them selves don’t actually exist. They are just pure consciousness that has been qualified with our self centred desires.

So I came to realise that once one has returned to this state of pure consciousness you become the expression of this consciousness in its pure form and potential — unaltered by the human condition.

So what then drives me to act, to move etc. is this flow of consciousness in action. I then wondered what would be the reason for it to act through me. One thought, outside of meditation, was that this pool of pure potentiality or consciousness would have a natural drive to unleash those parts of itself that are bound in the human condition. I don’t mean this in a personality or human context. It is quite scientific. Just natural laws of energy playing out.

This pool of energy is naturally drawn to retrieving those parts of itself that have become bound and locked out of its natural flow. Hence it naturally moves to retrieve all that consciousness that is bound into the human condition. So if a Being is totally realised and hence is an expression, in human form, of this pure consciousness then that flow of consciousness through him will move him in ways that will help unbind “itself”. So one would naturally be driven to help others to be free — so that pure consciousness which has been qualified in limitation will be able to flow.

Sunday 11th August 1996

It is really quite profound how easily one can corrupt profound realisation — particularly with pride. Even for that reason alone it is necessary that I keep in contact with This Teacher and his teaching. It will serve as a wonderful reflection in which I can at all times see myself in Truth as opposed to the disillusions that the mind so often creates in very subtle ways.

I feel a great deal of love and gratitude towards Andrew and his Being.

The retreat is now over

All in all this has been a thoroughly positive event. I have come to realise many things. I suspect that the enlightenment I have always been looking for was in my hands the whole time yet because I had no firm foundation of spiritual confirmation outside of myself I have listened all too often to the mind and its constant doubting and wavering.

To live in an enlightened state one must be willing to drop all notions about what it means. One must be willing to live only in the present moment. There must be total trust in the perfection of all that is so that one can let go of all concern for the future and for oneself. One must be willing to forget the egoic self totally.

So long as one hangs on to any aspect of the personal, egoic self then there will always be a conflict within.

Thursday 15th August 1996

For a few days now I have been atthis Ashram. The human part of me is doubting and wavering. I sense a great resistance to totally letting go. On the whole I can see that total self effacement is my only choice yet at times I resist such a death. Aspects of my human personality want to hold on to something. Even if it is just an idea — an idea about enlightenment.

I am told that the key is to totally forget the mind, the feelings, the past, all ideas, etc. Then one is enlightened. Yet I am expecting some kind of profound revelation that will make this automatic. I don’t feel it should be a struggle. One shouldn’t even have to struggle against the feeling etc. Some natural shift in ones state of Being should bring about the appropriate mental and emotional response to let go to the point where one is “enlightened“.

I also have ideas about what it means to be enlightened. I feel that one should enter into a state of profound awareness — cosmic consciousness. In this way one is truly 100% aware, not just of that which is taking place in the way of physical and subtle physical phenomena, but encompassing also the entire spectrum of ones multi dimensional self.

Maybe I am thinking down the wrong track here but I feel that there is something more. A truly enlightened Being should have no division, no separation, in his awareness, in his field of consciousness. One should be aware of things beyond the human experience right to the point where Self merges into the pool of pure potentiality — God, One, Infinity.

There is an impulse in me to somehow help relieve this world situation I find my self within [to help people be free of suffering - JE 2005]. This may be an egoic desire. For now I can only trust that the source of this idea is not just the ego.

With that idea in mind then I feel one has to be truly 100% aware, to carry out such a task. To understand the depth of each persons dichotomy my awareness will need to go beyond just the human physical, mental, emotional experience.

Again as I write, it comes to me that total enlightenment is more than just liberation from the human predicament. It is a profound shift whereby ones awareness expands out further and further until it eventually encompasses ones entire field of consciousness. Possibly then it would continue to expand by merging into that pool of pure consciousness I witnessed [a few days earlier - JE 2005]. Eventually there would be no difference between ones field of own awareness and the totality of ALL THAT IS.

From this standpoint one wouldtruly be in the position to bring about profound change — revolutionary change. Each action would be the all perfecting expression of God’s Will. There would be no separation between any aspect of oneself and that Great pool of consciousness that is all things. This is total enlightenment. At least that is what I feel. This, of course would be totally impersonal and would mean total death of the human person or sense of self. Possibly even physical death, in a non-terminal way.

I say that it could meaneven physical death because the very structure of the physical body would have to transmute into something much Lighter, something quite different, in order to hold the presence of such profound awareness in the physical world. Hence every cell would undergo a death in a transformational way.

I don’t know where these thoughts come from. I don’t know if these ideas are just fantastical dreams of the ego or what. Yet I somehow sense that as I write this all down it is coming from somewhere much deeper than the mind, and hence beyond the ego. It could be that I am on the verge of a true revolution in human awareness. I really don’t know, and I can only go with that unknown until I find the Truth on an ultimate level.

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I have been reading some of [The Teacher's] magazines. Interesting articles about aspects of enlightenment. I find no mention to what I have described above. I have noticed something quite strange.

For me [The Teacher] was the first person who seemed to describe enlightenment in a way that rang true. Since seeing him and having some deep realisations regarding the nature of all things I am again feeling that I sense something more which is not described in anything I have read or heard.

Two things could be taking place. Either the ego/human self is creating excuses so as to not letting go right here and now — a reason for why what I have come to realise so far is not enough and hence I must continue to look and discover; or, something quite new, something quite revolutionary is surging through my awareness. Something bigger than most of humanity has generally considered possible, something with the potential to totally transform this planet from the human predicament.

From one level I look at these statements and question the motivation behind them. It could from one point of view be my ego expanding itself out by vast proportions to feel special, superior, and all that madness; it could be my egoic self avoiding true liberation right now (the type of liberation [The Teacher] is talking about); or, it could be something beyond my comprehension. I really don’t know. I don’t know whether that is a good or bad thing. It just is for now.

———-
I promise to myself to remember that no matter what is going on mentally or emotionally I can always return to the stillness within. This I must remember because when depression etc come up it is so easy to be consumed by it.

From here and now I understand and know that everything in this life unfolds perfectly. That I will, by the grace of God, of all that is, realise the true nature of that which I AM. I needn’t struggle. I needn’t feel that there is something more I must do or discover.

All I must do is surrender to the perfection in all things. Surrender to the expression of God in me, my life, and my world. I needn’t get concerned about what I am to do now or in the future. All I must do is stay present in this moment, free from attachments to the past and devoid of all concern for the future.

, from where you are right now you know these things to be true. You know that everything is perfect and that there is no intrinsic value in the human self and its petty concerns for its own wellbeing and perpetuation. You know that confusion, doubt, and depression come up when the ego is resisting its own death. Therefore, stand strong even in the times when everything seems terrible from a personal perspective. GOD I AM.

——————

Friday 16th August 1996

From my current position I sense that any struggle, even if it be toward enlightenment, only creates separation and confusion. It is only the mind and the ego that has any desire, any sense that something specific must be done, achieved etc. It is only the ego and mind that doesn’t trust the fact that all things are ONE and that this ONE is GOD or that infinite pool of PURE CONSCIOUNESS from which all things extend, manifest and return.

During meditation I have experienced this pool of PURE CONSCIOUSNESS (as I put it). I experienced myself on every level being a part of it and simultaneously all of it. I witnessed that it is the current running through all things, that it is all things and non-things. I came to realise that humans have the ability to qualify this current of pure consciousness — this is our free will, so to speak. Exactly how this ability to qualify it and potentially bind it into the human experience works I don’t yet understand, but I realised that it takes place.

I came to realise that what moves someone free of all ego and personal desire to move, to be active, is this pure consciousness acting through them. I questioned why this pure consciousness would have any motive to be active and saw that when a being in the physical world is free of ego and hence is surrendered to being an expression of pure consciousness it is natural for the pool to bring back that aspect of itself which has been bound into the human experience due to ignorance etc.

All these things and more I have seen and felt in mediation yet still the human aspect of self, the egoic aspect, manages to get a grip on my awareness and [at times] throw me into a state of confusion.

Right now I am in a state of contentment and clarity. This is why I write these things down so that if the ego and mind etc. get the better of me again then I at least have some personal notes from the other side, so to speak.

————————

Really there is nothing to do, nothing to think about, nothing to plan, nothing to be concerned about. It is only the mind and ego in their separation that need to do all these things. I am not the mind, I am not the feelings. I am not the desire to achievesomething, to be something special. I AM beyond these things. I AM that which has no quality or quantity. I AM that which is ONE, free of duality and separation. I AM that POOL of PURE CONSCIOUSNESS which I KNOW from my own EXPERIENCE to BE TRUE.

I AM not the doubt, confusion, and depression which sometimes enters my human experience. When these things take place I AM not gone, I AM no different. I AM still the pool of PURE CONSCIOUSNESS – CONTENT, STILL, and PERFECT.

Here is a wonderful poem that a dear friend living in Sweden shared with me on 11-11-1998
I just found it on my some dark basement in the depths of my computer, collecting cobwebs and e-dust.
I’ve not corrected any errors in his English but I think it’s all pretty good.
Enjoy…

Choice for Change — By Wahcana

I’ve dreamt and I’ve dreamt for that day to come…

The day I was about to make that choice would be a day in peace
The day I was about to make that choice would be when I was rested and lay still

A day when sadness and longing was in my heart
A day when I saw there was nothing to loose – only let go
A day when my trust in love washed away all fear from my worned out soul

The day I was about to make that choice was when I saw that I had been longing for life all my years
When I could see through my grey wrinkled skin and into the dark of my eyes

Oh, there was a child playing together with birds !
That day would be the day of choice
Though the dream ended here…

Many years passed away but my dreaming decided to stay…
One morning a ’something’ arose …

As I slowly opened my worned eyes for a new old day, I noticed a bird outside, sitting in the tree.
It’s singing pored in through my slightly opened window and filled my room!
What was it !?
I could feel it but I did not knew it.
That ’something’ wouldn’t leave nor would I be told what it was…
The singing became louder and it all felt like a dream.
I started crying…I cried and I cried…

Then that ’something’ started bumping my heart…It went all faster and I couldn’t resist it…
My fear from this ’something’ began to fade away and a small voice touched my inner being.
That gentle voice…
I knew it!!!

Oh, my dream!

The gentle voice spoke: –
“I am here with you as I’ve always been, I am your child and waiting to be alive”

Oh, Now even the bird spoke to me!
Its singing became alive –
“Your dream is you… and dreams are come true”
“You are not an old man…you are a child to be revealed”

As I heard those words I cried even more…for so much there was to be enjoyed.

This morning wasn’t any ’something’, it was a miracle to be with!

And now I saw that everything was here with me! It’s always been!
Dreams are life’s longing for itself…and your heart will guide you to them.

The only choice there is is to “Love = let go”
And if dreams are to be followed,
Days are no longer days and life no longer life;
All is a miracle!

AND if all is loved and you let go,
How would you ever want to change anything???
Life is always –
Love is forever

“What is love?”

      ”The total absence of fear,” said the Master.

“What is it we fear?”

      ”Love,” said the Master.

(Anthony de Mello, SJ)

In my observation there a number of assumptions many people make with regards to health and healing.
I shall explore these a little in here and now.
I shall list these assumptions in no particular order and take a deeper look at each one:

1. The assumption that health—specifically the absence of dis-ease and the presence of wholeness within the body, mind, and spirit—and healing are the same thing. The healing will result in perfect health.

What I would like to point out is that healing is not necessarily about “the absence of disease or illness”. Healing may result in the elimination of disease and illness but the two are not mutually inclusive. Therefore healing may—and I stress the word “may”—lead to a state of great physical health, yet it also may not. I can not presumeto ever truly know just what a person has going on at the level of soul. Even to really know what they have going on at the level of mind is extremely challenging if not impossible.I will add, that in my experience, in most situations a person that heals themselves will tend to live a life that is free of the many degenerative diseases that plague the world today.

I am bringing attention to this point simply because I detect in many people who are aware of the holistic nature of disease that once they “heal” themselves disease becomes impossible. Yet what if passing through the complex emotional experience of facing a life-threatening disease such as terminal cancer was in fact partof the journey a soul had set itself up for in order to heal various issues at a deeper level. What if the intelligence of the Soul has determined that part of that experience must involve the death of the physical body in order for it to be complete—in order for the deeper “healing” to eclipseand nullify some deep issue that would otherwise continue to plague this Being? It is human arrogance to assume that we know—based on how sense of what is fair and what is actual and what is not—what the infiniteintelligence of Life has in store for us in order to bring about perfection and harmony.

I suspect it is our cultural attachment to the human physical body as the centre of our identity that perhaps sways our many of us to thinking that if my body is manifesting a “disease” then there is something fundamentally wrong and healing is not taking place. The Soul is, after all, using this physical form as a means to have an experience. The totality of a person’s overall human experience may include experiencing a terminal illness.

I am sure this point will leave some people feeling a little at a loss in regards to how to now relate to disease. If I have a disease do I try to get rid of it? If I am dying of cancer do I fight to survive? Yet these questions all relate to disease as enemy.

What I suggest is that disease, like every other experience we have in this apparently tangible world, is a carrier of intelligence. Everything that arises in a person’s experiential reality is a carrier for intelligence. A carrier for Life. A medium through which consciousness is unfolding. A phenomena through which awareness is expanding. Coming from this perspective I am sure most of us would have a wholly (holy) different relationship to disease.

So how then can a person relate to a disease and the notion of curing it when approaching the matter from this perspective?

Well, I feel it can be approached in the same way that all life-experience can be approached.
First and foremost the person in question should remain open to the fact that he does not know what is going on.
That he does not know who and what he is in truth.
That he is out of touch with Reality through attachment to the disillusioned reality of the ego.
Since he “does not see things as they truly are”,
He can drop his assumptions about what things are
And the meaning of that which he is experiencing.
From this place of open receptivity,
He can then approach his apparent disease as a carrier of intelligence.
One way of relating to this intelligence is that it contains a message.
It contains information.
The purpose of that information, from the Soul’s perspective,
Is to bring Light into the darkness maintained by the illusion of the ego-mind.
This is equivalent to “waking up”. It is equivalent to en-light-enment.

Therefore this apparent disease is as much a gift as everything else this person experiences.
However, seen through the eyes of the ego it is an attack upon itself.
This is where openness and receptivity to “I do not see reality as it really is”,
Becomes crucial. Only then is the ego-mind released to some degree.

This apparent disease is happening for the person,
And not to him.
What’s more, it is ultimately created by Him.
For the purpose of drawing his attention to the ways in which
He has forgotten His true nature,
His true inheritance as an extension of God,
And his Real purpose as a Divine Being.

The key then is to remain actively open and aware,
Ready to shed light upon his misperception of what Is,
Ready to see how judgement limits his experience of Self,
Ready to see where and how he habitually makes life-taking choices.
Paramount to all of this,
Is his willingness to discover what it is he is being asked (by his Self)
To forgive within himself and within the world.
For in truth these are one and the same,
And hence each requires the same forgiveness,
And to forgive one is to forgive the other,
Even though they may temporarily appear to happen separately.

2. That disease is a negative and bad thing that must be fixed

This myth has a very close relationship to what we’ve just looked at in the above mentioned myth.
The human ego maintains the illusion that there are many experiences in this world that are undesirable, bad, and wrong. This sets us up to be in opposition to the world. This oppositionis a projection of the separation that the ego is maintaining within the human mind.

What we are faced with here is the illusion of “disease as enemy”. That disease is somehow launching an attack on That which I Am and therefore it is a negative thing.
The truth of the matter is that disease is really no different from the many other challenges a person might face in their life. These challenges are just that. Challenging experiences. A challenge, when faced with open awareness, is a means to extend my perception of who and what I am. When faced with a closed mind and the many collective assumptions that I have inherited from my culture, then a challenge suddenly becomes a problem and even a menace.

If I am perceiving apparent disease or illness as “wrong”, “negative” or “bad” then I am judging it. This judgement is a projection of judgement that I hold toward myself. This self judgement holds me in separationfrom myself and my judgement of a disease or illness holds me in separation from that Infinite Intelligence that is expressing itself through this experience I have labelled “dis-ease” or as “cancer”, “obesity”, “asthma”, or whatever the case may be.

So long as I judge something then I hold it in a place of separation from That which I Am. So long as I am holding something in this illusion of separationthen I can never become aware of it. My awareness and this experience or “thing” will always remain apart. So long as I am not able to penetrate my awareness into the core of something such as an illness then I will not move through it and pluck the fruits of wisdom that it has to offer me. Awareness is like the bright warmth of the sun shining. That warmth and light must come into direct contact with a tree in order for it’s fruit to spring forth, grow and ripen. Only then can I pick these fruit and enjoy their sweetness. If they do not get enough of this light and warmth then they remain sour and hence are an unpleasant experience if I try to eat them. Therefore I remain in separationfrom these “fruit” because I have an aversion to that which I experience as unpleasant.

All disease and illness is a call to greater Awareness. All disease and illness is a vehicle of consciousness unfolding, of awareness expanding. Yet a the experience that we labelas disease or illness, and then further label as a terrible case of cancer, or AIDS, or coronary heart disease, can be nothing but a sour experience if my innate awareness can’t touch and penetrate it. Judgement is like a heavy, thick, black cloud floating in the sky of my mind between the Sun and the earth. The Sun is That which I Am and the Earth is my worldly human experience.

I am not suggesting the people should neurotically start decreeing that “this illness is good, this illness is good, this illness is not bad” when faced with the experienceof a dis-ease. Rather, I suggest that all judgement—as “good” or “bad”—be suspended entirely. Only then will the mind be lucid enough to allow through the awareness that is ready and waiting to touch and enter this experience and ripen the fruits of wisdom it is ready and waiting to bring forth.

3. That the experience of disease or illness is indicative that you have done something wrong or bad

Disease, approached in this way, is certain to set a person up for disappointment and the sense that life is unfair. I have also seen this cause the rejection of the notion that at some level a person is co-creating their state of dis-ease. The very suggestion of this elicits a reaction of horror—”How could you possibly say that Beth is reasonable for the cancer that is killing her? She is such a bright, caring, and lovely person. What a preposterous suggestion”.

Yet here a number of assumptions have been made.
The one that stands out most to me is that assumption that Beth is “caring and lovely” relative to those people that are not so caring and lovely. Yet,of course, if Beth is a dear friend of mine I am hardly going to perceive her as bad and malicious. Why on earth would I hand out with someone who I judge in that way? Yet those people that I do judge as being something less than kind and lovely also havefriends, and I am sure their friends also judge them as being nice people. The lie playing out here—through unchallenged assumptions—is that one person is nice and another person is not, and why would this nice person have anything to do with this cancer that is apparently killing her?

I’d like to suggest we take a step back for a moment, in order to get some clear perspective on this.
Beth, like every other being on this planet, is a Divine Being.
She is neither “good” nor “bad”.
She is neither “nice” nor horrible.
Likewise, everyone else I perceive to be in the world is also a perfect, loving, Divine Being.
Whether I personally judge someone to be a good person or not really has nothing to do with them. It is my judgement — the ego’s judgement of myself and projected out onto the world — and it is arrogant to assume that somehow MY judgement of this person is the determining factor in terms of qualifying what sort of person this is. The fact of the matter is that they are not a “person” at all.

4. That a person must gain a logical explanation for their disease—in terms of “why this has happened to me”—in order to heal

Logic is of the thinking mind. Reason is of the thinking mind.
Being is of the non-thinking mind.
The message that you bring to yourself through dis-ease may or may not be a message that you have ever cognised, and thus you will not re-cognise it either.
You can, however, become aware of its message—at a feeling intuitive level—without getting into re-cognition of “why this has happened to me”.
In my experience, most of the time reason does come. Often I find that the symbology that plays out through my body and its state of health is incredibly descriptive in its message. Yet there are other times when I don’t know why. Not mentally knowing why is not a hindranceto receiving the message and moving into greater health and wholeness.

This is a topic I started writing about some time last year. It’s not yet complete if I compare it to what I first envisioned, but this will do for now.

I wish you all the best of health,

FEAL

Saturday, 25 June 2005 3:19 a.m.

I see too that we forget the reasoning — the Intent, to put it more precisely — behind that which we are creating.
I forget WHY I am creating as I am. I observe that having lost a deeper sense of purpose and function we so often start to create that which is destructive… that which disrupts the balance and natural order of things… of our Kingdom… and this eventually (again it might take time, but it is sure to come) returns as we experience the consequence of this destructivecreation. It starts to destroy us — its point of origin — and that brings about pain.
So that pain… it serves a purpose… yes, it puts a little — or a BIG — jolt through the system.
That jolt wakes me up to what I am doing and then I can bring awareness into this particular aspect or configuration of my dream construct.

The whole thing is so perfectly designed. There is no flaw that I am aware of.
It is one vast, uniform, expression of Life — of consciousness unfolding and expressing and extending unto itself — perfect in all ways.
Of course, That which I AM is created in the Image and likeness of that which created first — That which some call God — and therefore that which I am is as perfect as that “thing” called God. Thusly, that which I created must to be an extension of That which I am — which is wholly perfect in every way for it is the in the image and likeness of God — and hence it too is perfect. Whole and complete unto itself.

Oh it is so magnificent. So beatific, wondrous, exquisite.

Useless words and adjective. They fail in comparison to that which they have come to symbolise and communicate.

Communicate they don’t. What communion can be found and experienced through these mere words?
None.

Only that which the words might verily point the way toward.
The only thing words should point the way toward is WITHIN for everything else has no potential for communion to arise.

Even if words are used to draw attention to something that is “out there” such as a beautiful sunset, or the wild stormygrey rain… whatever the case may be… this too really ought to be brought back to source… back to WITHIN, to the interiority of That which I AM, for only there does it really mean anything. Only there does ANY-THING have any true value, function, and purpose.

Oh yes, the glory of that which is WITHIN… at the centre, the core of That Being That I AM. The stillness. Ah yes. The stillness. Thatis the way to that beautiful and splendid place that is only found WITHIN.

All my divergences WITHOUT must by the very cyclic nature of things bring me back to that which is WITHIN. One is an extension of the other. That which is created never leaves it source. Therefore as I venture into that which is created — the WITHOUT — I must by default eventually end up back with what is true and real… that which is WITHIN.

Again… the entire creation… not matter what appearance and form it might seem to take… is always HOLY perfect. Such magnificence.

A VISION

I would like to see more unity — manifest and tangible unity — amoung those that play the role of “teacher”, “healer”, “guide” in this world. The Deepak Chopra’s, the Stuart Wilde’s, the MarianneWilliamson’s, the Greg Bradens, the Theun Mares’, the Neale Donald Welsh’s… etcetera. I would like to see more unity amoung us…
To what degree, I ask, are we really living what we preach and teach? I do, of course, ask this of myself, and the answer is a frail one.

Each securely maintaining our seemingly individual existence, our fame, our fortune, our public profile and image, our “oh so busy” schedules.
How many of us securely adhere to these things, yet what of the OTHER SIDE… what of the other dimension of Being?
Do we bring those things through into this world, into our Kingdoms in an ego-less and pure way? [ Argh... what is this "purity" I speak of? Fuck purity. Let me rather say "in a REAL way"... yes, "into our Kingdoms in an ego-less and REAL way" ]

Are we ready for that?
I wonder.
I really do.
Am I ready for that? I feel like I am.
Something in me yearns for like-minded and spirit folk to simply come together and collaborated whollyand truly. To drop all the bullshit and just to be. And to then CREATE. The power of that…. oh yes, it would emanate out into the world, into the collective Kingdom like the pulse of a wave stretching out onto the vast shore of the beach… yes it would stretch out like that and wash away the debris from that shore… from the scene of human affairs.

There really isn’t much “time” left. That’s the feeling I get. Less than half a decade is my sense. Are we moving with enough haste? If not now… then when?

Are we ready for that?
By God… I AM.
What are we waiting for?
What am I waiting for?
No-thing.

The human world is full of strange things and occurrences.

It strikes me as odd that I can buy so called “orange drink” which actually contains little, if any, real orange — rather it is made of chemical flavours and who knows what else — and then in the same shop I can also buy dish washing liquid that proudly claims to contain 100% pure orange extract… or 100% natural lemon.

Life is funny in that way. Really funny.

J